Korean Adoptee Portrait Series -Jessie Beld Elliott

I met Jessie in 2019. Her energy and charisma makes her loved by many and I’m excited to share her adoption story with you. Jessie has an amazing family and travels back and forth between Michigan and the East Coast.

The story of my adoption begins roughly around age 8 in rural Korea. My mother and I had lived on and off the streets to a boarding house in Seoul up until I was about 8 years old at which time she took me to meet my grandmother( her mother) in the country. I had never met her before, she was a very stern, fierce woman who I doubt weighed more than 90 lbs. It was my birthday and after we celebrated with home made som pyon( Birthday dumplings) my mom said she had to run to the store... I didn’t see her again until I was at St.Vincents Orphanage ready to be adopted to America at age 12. I went to the bus stop where the only store in town was and looked for her every day for about a week until my grandmother informed me that she would not be coming back and I was to be with her now. She enrolled me in school, I had never been but my mom had taught me how to read , write, math, etc. it was incredibly difficult as I am half black too so the ridicule & humiliation for being biracial was horrific.... so bad that my grandmother concluded I needed to be adopted to America for a better future. Now I believe she also had suspected my uncle( who lived with us in 1 room)molesting me and I suspect it was her way of “saving”me.

I got adopted at the age of 12 to a white family with 2 biological boys who were 2 and 4 years younger than me in Grand Rapids, Mi. Right away my adoptive mother was disappointed with me with my curly hair and dark skin that didn’t match her ideas of having a “Korean” child. She took me right away to get my hair straightened at a black hair salon where back then lye was used which burned my scalp terribly... I didn’t understand any English so all I got out of that was that I wasn’t good enough the way I came... just like I wasn’t good enough to stay with my mom or Grandmother.

My adoptive mother was particularly abusive emotionally and physically... I’m sure I gave her many reasons to hate me being practically a teenager who had been consistently “thrown away” and told my looks were not good enough all of my life...she would insist I be a cheer leader, play in band, participate in everything ... she would pick out my clothes, hair style( she began cutting it herself after awhile) down to the nail polish.... would tell me on a regular basis how I would have been in the gutter like my birth mother if they hadn’t adopted me... that I was a big “sore thumb “ in my birth Mother’s life which is why she sent me away...My adoptive father was kinder in the beginning but a physical altercation between adoptive mother and me when I was 19 had him cornering me in the family kitchen( he’s a big guy, over 6ft for sure) saying “If you ever touch my wife again you’re out of here” I left that week in a snow storm with $170 in my bank account, haven’t been back since.

As far as stories of other Korean adoptees or anyone to relate to growing up there was no one... there was 1 other girl in my grade at school who was 100 percent Korean and adopted but she was an infant when they adopted her and their family dynamic was much more positive as far as I know... we were friends for a time, cheerleading camps, band camps and things like that but our lives were just too different for us to relate on that level.

As far as keeping my heritage alive, there was kimchi at a shower my aunt gave for me when I first arrived... and every now and then my parents would buy it because they liked it too but that was about it.

My 2 brothers and I got along well enough but we never became close the way siblings are... it was always very clear that I didn’t look like them, I was not like them, I would never be one of them.... people would comment to my mother about my smile she would respond by saying “ at least she’s got good teeth”

I would want to hold her hand and she wouldn’t allow it for fear people thinking we were a same sex couple... I didn’t fully understand back then( I was still learning English) Now of course I understand but still feel like it was shitty thing for someone who signed up to be a mother to an adolescent to do to a kid.

My birth mother..... ahhhhh!!! I have such deep love as well as deep resentment for her which I suppose I need to eventually spend some therapy money on.

My love for her is deep still because I never felt that she didn’t want me which is why it was such a shock she left me there with my grandmother the way she did.... she taught me so much and if we ever had abundance of anything she gave it to me first. I never doubted her love for me or that she thought I was brilliant.

Resentment came later because as I grew up, got married and became a mother myself it was impossible to imagine doing to my kids what she did to me.... I found her when I was in my early 20s, went to Korea and spent 2 weeks with her, her husband & my half brother( who she spoiled rotten which made me sick)

We went to the country and saw my grandmother who was home bound because of broken a leg that never got fixed.... it was fascinating because the people in the village who regularly humiliated me for being mixed were basically throwing me a parade.... now that I was a “rich” American( who drive the rental car there) I was so pretty, so smart, so wonderful... bittersweet like I said.

My mother and I tried to stay connected but the older I got, more entrenched I became in motherhood with 3 biological daughters and 1 adopted son, I just couldn’t pretend there was no damage to me by her.... I gradually stopped answering her calls after she refused to come to America when my 2nd child was born.... I kept telling myself I would get back to her when I got stronger in my heart and mind about her but I just never did... real life kept kicking my ass and I just didn’t have it in me to deal with her on top of it all with her limited English and my growing resentment.

I stay connected to my Korean heritage mainly through food... I have a whole area in my kitchen that’s dedicated to Korean food with “Kimchi refrigerator drawers” where I keep all the pan jan... the cabinets in that area consist of all Korean spices, snacks & other groceries... the kids and I make a point to visit Korea Town whether we are in New York or the west coast.... I force my American friends to try all my Korean recipes, it’s my comfort when I’m sad, sick, happy, etc...lol.

I’ve been back to Korea a few times since my visit with my mom but just haven’t made the effort to re connect... safe guarding my heart I suppose. Back when I first found her and had returned back to the states I went to Hudson’s and bought her a whole bunch of clothes and things I thought she would like.... later she told me she sold it all for $200... I probably spent $2000!!!! I just felt like I couldn’t trust her and now I just don’t want that door open.

I wish people would understand not all of us adoptees from Korea or anywhere else for that matter are sooooo “lucky we got adopted” I wish they understood that we were human beings already when we got here and our past is just as important as our present.... and in order for our future to be worth anything ALL of our experiences have merit and deserve understanding and attention.... even when we are not the perfectly well behaved little spelling bee champions who become homecoming queens.

You can not erase a child’s past no matter how hard you try and you’ll only traumatize the child more by denying them information on who they are and giving your editorial on how they should be so grateful.

The advice I would give to an adopted child is this:::: you have been given this extraordinary opportunity to write your own history and your own script for the rest of your life... your adoption is a part of you yes but it is not the thing that defines you... YOU define YOU, YOU choose the road you’re traveling and your self worth, your sense of being needs to start with YOU. How and WHY you were given up by your birth mother is irrelevant... make your own road and don’t let up on the gas ever!

Oh and speak UP when someone says something insensitive to you, chances are that they’re ignorant and just plain don’t know.... make the world a better place and teach them, and stand up for yourself always because you are teaching other people how to treat you every day.

Choose those who understand your demons and are willing to love you through your battles and be solid on your own damn self that when even the good ones fuck up.... you have the balls to tell them. Navigate the world with an open heart, be consistent with your word and above all love you like no one else ever has.️

Korean Adoptee Portrait Series - Nancy Clemens

A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet and photograph Nancy Clemens, another local Korean adoptee. Nancy read Tara's interview and reached out to me on facebook and was willing to share part of her story. Her and her biological sister Krissy were both adopted from South Korea and in 2011 were reunited with their birth family with mixed emotions. 

Where did you grow up/what was your family background?

I grew up in a small town in Minnesota, population was around 1000.  My parents are Norwegian and Swedish, they adopted my biological sister and I when we were 2 an 1 years of age. We were welcomed  by 3 older siblings,  they had 2 biological girls and also adopted a Caucasian/Korean boy.

What was it like growing up in a small town?

Growing up in a small town in Minnesota had its ups and downs. My parents owned the local newspaper and were definitely loving, patient and protective over us. Overall I'm grateful on how my parents raised us.  We never went without anything and that seems amazing to me because they were raising 5 children.  I remember growing up being quiet, stand offish at times and  always feeling like I never fit in. I know lots of kids feel that way but again this is how I felt as an adoptee. In elementary school kids were nicer but as we got older some of the same kids were calling me names daily, slanting their eyes and just saying hurtful things. I was on the defense daily with these kids (it was the same boys) although most of the kids/people  in my small town were nice I still felt like I didn't fit in. I was angry, sad and would cry daily ( most of the time in silence). I tried to put on an act, tried to be involved in things but I actually felt like I was embarrassed to show my face because I was always stared at. I went into deep depressions and didn't know why.  My parents tried to be there for me, contacted the school but I didn't want to talk to them or a counselor.  I was craving some kind of attention in the wrong ways and I was just feeling that I wasn't normal and didn't want to look different.  I rarely thought about Korea or wanted to embrace my culture at a young age because I was so "Americanized". 

My parents and siblings are the nicest people and we had so many good times with family and friends, we were always involved in a lot of activities so to be honest yes, there were good days and bad days just like any other human being but we were loved so I hope no one takes this negatively. I know lots of kids feel they don't fit in. 

What made you decide to go to Korea and meet your birth family? How was the experience?

My biological sister Krissy actually started this process by looking up her health history for medical reasons. I'm grateful to her because we would have never been reunited if she didn't ask questions.  There was a note in our file stating our birth mother was looking for us. We had an older sister in Korea, and a  younger sister & father who were deceased. We received a phone call in 2009 and reunited in 2011. Everything is a bit of a blur because it's been over seven years and I know my sister has a different recollection of events or on how she felt. 

From left to right: Krissy, Birth mother, Nancy, biological older sister. 

My sister Krissy set up the whole reunion and studied some Korean. I was looking forward to the reunion but not as much as her, I felt bad . The trip to Korea was very long and we had a lot of jet lag, once we got off the plane we met our mother, sister, brother in law and they had two boys (one was in the military). Our birth mother wanted us to stay with her and from the beginning I was uncomfortable with the situation.  I wanted to stay at a hotel. After reading other adoptee stories I know wasn't being disrespectful by wanting to stay at a hotel and we did end up staying at one.  It was overwhelming to our birth mother/family and to us.

We had a translator  the whole time but we felt things were not fully relayed on how and why we were adopted. We met some of our dad's family and heard their side of the story.  Tears were shed because there were different versions of the story.  

Our parents were married and divorced a couple of times, we had an older sister that they kept and a younger sister that was born years later.  Our father and sister  passed away a few years before the reunion.  I could get into more  details and some maybe true and some might not be ,I will never know because I was not there.  In the end I'm grateful that we were adopted together , we did have a good loving family in America.  Our Korean mom was very sad and happy. At times she seemed depressed.  She tried to make it up to us  by buying things and bringing us to the dermatologist to get moles/sun damage off our face.. We did not want to disrespect her by saying no  because the translator told us we should say yes.

What would I recommend to other Korean adoptees if travelling to Korea to reunite with their birth family or just to visit?

I do recommend staying in a hotel and having some alone time.  The food was new to me and the translator wanted us to put food in our  mothers mouth because it was a form of respect and vice versa, I felt uncomfortable with that but I did it .  I would take things slow, it's ok if you don't feel an instant  connection with your biological family because they didn't raise you.  It's "OK to have these feelings".  If you have the chance to reunite with your birth family do it.  The people that raised you will understand and want you to know where you came from and may never understand how you felt growing up but other adoptees do. 

To the parents that adopt- reach out to organizations if you adopt children from different cultures and have them try their own food and maybe find someone who was adopted and could be some-what of a mentor for the adoptee. Growing up I never embraced my culture but as an adult I m more comfortable in my own skin as I'm sure other people are no matter what race they are.

What are a few things I wish people would understand about Korean adoptees?

I want people to know that no one can pick their race and there are ignorant people out there who raise their children to be racist and it does effect a child who grows up to be an adult and they will never forget how it felt to be teased daily.  Teach your kids right from wrong.  We didn't choose to be here and are not LUCKY but we are GRATEFUL that we do have loving families that wanted us.  Even though we were adopted we might be stand offish in certain situations or seem cold but genetics do take a part in it even though some people might think differently. 

Some adoptees are closer than others to the people who raised them and others might not be and it's ok.  We appreciate and love our American parents. To our family in Korea,  if there isn't overwhelming love towards you at the reunion its because you gave birth to us but did not raise us.  We are not being disrespectful.  If we do not embrace the food, culture right away its because we are overwhelmed and it's unfamiliar to us. We understand there are different situations in why you gave us up, we know it was a tough decision and we do forgive you. We do not know another life style or culture  and we hope that you understand if we do not come back to Korea or communicate again.

Thank you for letting me share my story. If you are an adoptee and feel depressed, lonely or have suicidal thoughts you are not alone and reach out and talk to someone. There are many people that are discriminated against daily whether it be by color, status, handicap, size...etc.