Korean Adoptee Portrait Series -Jessie Beld Elliott

I met Jessie in 2019. Her energy and charisma makes her loved by many and I’m excited to share her adoption story with you. Jessie has an amazing family and travels back and forth between Michigan and the East Coast.

The story of my adoption begins roughly around age 8 in rural Korea. My mother and I had lived on and off the streets to a boarding house in Seoul up until I was about 8 years old at which time she took me to meet my grandmother( her mother) in the country. I had never met her before, she was a very stern, fierce woman who I doubt weighed more than 90 lbs. It was my birthday and after we celebrated with home made som pyon( Birthday dumplings) my mom said she had to run to the store... I didn’t see her again until I was at St.Vincents Orphanage ready to be adopted to America at age 12. I went to the bus stop where the only store in town was and looked for her every day for about a week until my grandmother informed me that she would not be coming back and I was to be with her now. She enrolled me in school, I had never been but my mom had taught me how to read , write, math, etc. it was incredibly difficult as I am half black too so the ridicule & humiliation for being biracial was horrific.... so bad that my grandmother concluded I needed to be adopted to America for a better future. Now I believe she also had suspected my uncle( who lived with us in 1 room)molesting me and I suspect it was her way of “saving”me.

I got adopted at the age of 12 to a white family with 2 biological boys who were 2 and 4 years younger than me in Grand Rapids, Mi. Right away my adoptive mother was disappointed with me with my curly hair and dark skin that didn’t match her ideas of having a “Korean” child. She took me right away to get my hair straightened at a black hair salon where back then lye was used which burned my scalp terribly... I didn’t understand any English so all I got out of that was that I wasn’t good enough the way I came... just like I wasn’t good enough to stay with my mom or Grandmother.

My adoptive mother was particularly abusive emotionally and physically... I’m sure I gave her many reasons to hate me being practically a teenager who had been consistently “thrown away” and told my looks were not good enough all of my life...she would insist I be a cheer leader, play in band, participate in everything ... she would pick out my clothes, hair style( she began cutting it herself after awhile) down to the nail polish.... would tell me on a regular basis how I would have been in the gutter like my birth mother if they hadn’t adopted me... that I was a big “sore thumb “ in my birth Mother’s life which is why she sent me away...My adoptive father was kinder in the beginning but a physical altercation between adoptive mother and me when I was 19 had him cornering me in the family kitchen( he’s a big guy, over 6ft for sure) saying “If you ever touch my wife again you’re out of here” I left that week in a snow storm with $170 in my bank account, haven’t been back since.

As far as stories of other Korean adoptees or anyone to relate to growing up there was no one... there was 1 other girl in my grade at school who was 100 percent Korean and adopted but she was an infant when they adopted her and their family dynamic was much more positive as far as I know... we were friends for a time, cheerleading camps, band camps and things like that but our lives were just too different for us to relate on that level.

As far as keeping my heritage alive, there was kimchi at a shower my aunt gave for me when I first arrived... and every now and then my parents would buy it because they liked it too but that was about it.

My 2 brothers and I got along well enough but we never became close the way siblings are... it was always very clear that I didn’t look like them, I was not like them, I would never be one of them.... people would comment to my mother about my smile she would respond by saying “ at least she’s got good teeth”

I would want to hold her hand and she wouldn’t allow it for fear people thinking we were a same sex couple... I didn’t fully understand back then( I was still learning English) Now of course I understand but still feel like it was shitty thing for someone who signed up to be a mother to an adolescent to do to a kid.

My birth mother..... ahhhhh!!! I have such deep love as well as deep resentment for her which I suppose I need to eventually spend some therapy money on.

My love for her is deep still because I never felt that she didn’t want me which is why it was such a shock she left me there with my grandmother the way she did.... she taught me so much and if we ever had abundance of anything she gave it to me first. I never doubted her love for me or that she thought I was brilliant.

Resentment came later because as I grew up, got married and became a mother myself it was impossible to imagine doing to my kids what she did to me.... I found her when I was in my early 20s, went to Korea and spent 2 weeks with her, her husband & my half brother( who she spoiled rotten which made me sick)

We went to the country and saw my grandmother who was home bound because of broken a leg that never got fixed.... it was fascinating because the people in the village who regularly humiliated me for being mixed were basically throwing me a parade.... now that I was a “rich” American( who drive the rental car there) I was so pretty, so smart, so wonderful... bittersweet like I said.

My mother and I tried to stay connected but the older I got, more entrenched I became in motherhood with 3 biological daughters and 1 adopted son, I just couldn’t pretend there was no damage to me by her.... I gradually stopped answering her calls after she refused to come to America when my 2nd child was born.... I kept telling myself I would get back to her when I got stronger in my heart and mind about her but I just never did... real life kept kicking my ass and I just didn’t have it in me to deal with her on top of it all with her limited English and my growing resentment.

I stay connected to my Korean heritage mainly through food... I have a whole area in my kitchen that’s dedicated to Korean food with “Kimchi refrigerator drawers” where I keep all the pan jan... the cabinets in that area consist of all Korean spices, snacks & other groceries... the kids and I make a point to visit Korea Town whether we are in New York or the west coast.... I force my American friends to try all my Korean recipes, it’s my comfort when I’m sad, sick, happy, etc...lol.

I’ve been back to Korea a few times since my visit with my mom but just haven’t made the effort to re connect... safe guarding my heart I suppose. Back when I first found her and had returned back to the states I went to Hudson’s and bought her a whole bunch of clothes and things I thought she would like.... later she told me she sold it all for $200... I probably spent $2000!!!! I just felt like I couldn’t trust her and now I just don’t want that door open.

I wish people would understand not all of us adoptees from Korea or anywhere else for that matter are sooooo “lucky we got adopted” I wish they understood that we were human beings already when we got here and our past is just as important as our present.... and in order for our future to be worth anything ALL of our experiences have merit and deserve understanding and attention.... even when we are not the perfectly well behaved little spelling bee champions who become homecoming queens.

You can not erase a child’s past no matter how hard you try and you’ll only traumatize the child more by denying them information on who they are and giving your editorial on how they should be so grateful.

The advice I would give to an adopted child is this:::: you have been given this extraordinary opportunity to write your own history and your own script for the rest of your life... your adoption is a part of you yes but it is not the thing that defines you... YOU define YOU, YOU choose the road you’re traveling and your self worth, your sense of being needs to start with YOU. How and WHY you were given up by your birth mother is irrelevant... make your own road and don’t let up on the gas ever!

Oh and speak UP when someone says something insensitive to you, chances are that they’re ignorant and just plain don’t know.... make the world a better place and teach them, and stand up for yourself always because you are teaching other people how to treat you every day.

Choose those who understand your demons and are willing to love you through your battles and be solid on your own damn self that when even the good ones fuck up.... you have the balls to tell them. Navigate the world with an open heart, be consistent with your word and above all love you like no one else ever has.️

Behind the scenes - Editorial photoshoot with HOUR Detroit Magazine Jan 2018

I am happy to share my first Hour Detroit Magazine cover for the January 2018 issue featuring Abdul El Sayed. At 33, Abdul is a young political rookie who is currently campaigning for 2018 Michigan Governor race. He is shaking things up in Michigan in a good way. This cover feature was a three day process but the second day required everyone to be on board.

My team and I photographed the cover with Abdul on an extremely tight time frame. I received a call from the Creative Director, Carolyn Chin Watson,  Wednesday Nov 1 in the morning stating Thursday Nov 2 (the next day) is the only day we can do a stylized portrait of Abdul in Detroit. We photographed his campaign manager there the day before so I knew the location already. The curveball was we had to make a cover. This is what we had to work with...

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Now what most creatives would do is complain about the location, huff and puff about it and maybe give up. Luckily this wasn't the case and that large dark brown door was the perfect backdrop for what we needed. Sometimes the K.I.S.S. rule is the best rule...

While I was location scouting around 4:00 PM I was also told by Abdul's team we only have him for three 15 minute time slots to photograph reportage,  two cover options, and a stylized portrait. 

 

My time slots were: 

7:30- 7:45 AM  Arrive at his home in Shelby Township to photograph

9:30 - 9:45 AM Photograph two cover options in their office in Detroit. 

Noon - 12:15 PM Photograph a variety of stylized portraits of Abdul.

These time frames are not short because Abdul and his team are trying to be difficult. Someone like him is busy getting out there to run a campaign. It's rare for anyone whether its a CEO or public official to dedicate an entire day for a photoshoot unless one is to be compensated like on an advertising/commercial photoshoot. Part of my specialty as a photographer is being able to assess a problem and come up with a solution.

The issue with schedule was Shelby Township is over an hour away from Downtown Detroit with no traffic.  Rush hour traffic into Detroit starts around 7:00 AM and on Thursday morning it was raining. That meant it would take more than an hour to arrive in Downtown Detroit. I've learned I wouldn't be able to properly set up for a cover photoshoot unless I hired an additional photo assistant to start pre lighting for me.

Late Wednesday night around 9:00 PM, one of my photo assistants Daniel came over to my house to take all of my lighting equipment along with my lighting diagrams. From there he would arrive the next morning at 7:00 AM to load in all of my equipment in Downtown Detroit and start setting up for the cover and the portraits. I knew there was no way I could do this myself and this is where teamwork makes the dream work.

After I photographed some reportage images of Abdul getting ready, my first assistant Jen and I rushed to Downtown Detroit. We were lucky to arrive by 9:00am despite rush hour traffic and the rain. There was no more than 30 minutes for me to fine tune the lighting and get things rolling. by 9:25 am I was ready to photograph Abdul.  By 9:42 we had shot 2 cover options!

Thank you Carolyn Chin Watson, Creative Director at HOUR Magazine, for trusting me with this assignment and giving me the honor of my first HOUR cover.  Daniel Ribar and Jen Hefner were my two rockstar photo assistants who made everything come together and kept me at ease.  Alan Davdison over at Dayspace Studio for the Profoto lighting rentals to ensure this shoot was a success! A big thank you goes out to Abdul and his team for being accomodating to HOUR Magazine and my team!.

My team is always prepared to make changes on the fly.  Without proper planning, there is no way I could have photographed the feature and cover options in (2) 15 minute sessions.

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Korean Adoptee Portrait Series - Tara Revyn

Back in 2017, I traveled to Seoul South Korea on a homecoming trip to visit my birth country. During my travels I revealed my thoughts and feelings about adoption. What I found during this process was the amount of family and friends that supported me but also the growing number of Korean adoptees who have reached out to me since my trip to South Korea. Together it's been very theraputic to speak with other adoptees, share our feelings about adoption, and learn more about Korean culture. 

A couple years ago, my friend Carolyn introduced me to Tara Revyn, a Korean Adoptee who grew up in Lake Orion, MI, a suburb of Detroit. Tara and I spoke over a year on social media before finally meeting each other in person October 2017. She was kind enough to let me photograph her for the start of this new project and ask a few questions.

Where did you grow up?

I grew up in Lake Orion, Michigan until I was in sixth grade.  When I was growing up, it was a very small town that used to be a vacation destination for people who would come during the summer to their cottages and enjoy the lake.  It’s a predominately Caucasian community, so I was the only Korean child in school. After my sixth grade year, my dad was transferred to a small town in Pennsylvania, Limerick, for two years and then to a small town in Florida, Spring Hill, for another two years. We came back to Lake Orion in the middle of my tenth grade year and graduated from Lake Orion High School. Both Lake Orion and Limerick, PA, were difficult to make a lot of friends, both were predominately Caucasian neighborhoods, and both schools that I attended in those cities were also predominately Caucasian. Spring Hill, FL was much more diverse, with a rich Hispanic community as well as other races that, for me, was more than welcome. I felt like I was not the only one who was “not white” for the first time in my life.

What was growing up like in those three cities?

Growing up in Lake Orion was challenging in many ways. Since I was the only Korean student at the Catholic school I attended, I felt like I didn’t fit in. Many of the kids would make fun of my eyes, calling me names and pulling the corners of their eyelids up to make their eyes appear slanted like mine. I hated going to school; I hated it so much. I didn’t talk to many of my peers and found that I spent most of my time trying to talk to my teachers.  They were always very kind to me, perhaps because they saw the way that the other kids treated me and felt bad for me. In Limerick, PA, I found a small group of teens that I spent most of my time with. These kids lived in my neighborhood and rode the bus with me, so I got to know them and they were accepting of me. I loved football and sports, which made it difficult to feel like I fit in with the other girls in my school, regardless of what city I was living in. Moving as a pre-teen and then teenager tends to be difficult, but having to make new friends and adjust to a new place when you’re a Korean adoptee, makes it that much more difficult. I went into each new school feeling completely “foreign” purely based on my appearance on the outside and the students in these new schools made sure I knew that.

What are a few things you wish more people understood about (Korean) Adoptees?

There are many things that I wish more people understood about Korean adoptees, number one being that we ARE adopted. I was born in South Korea, but I was raised in America. I don’t remember how it was when I was in Korea; I was only 10 months old. I realize that I look different than many people that I grew up with, studied in college with, worked with all because a majority of them are Caucasian. Based off of my outside appearance, I have had many people ask me what the food is like, talk to me in Korean if they happened to know a handful of Korean words or phrases, or other various things with the assumption that I know because I am Korean. Yes, I am Korean, but I am also American. I may not be Caucasian, but I am entirely American. I was raised in the Detroit area and surrounded by family who are Polish, German, and Belgium, among others.

I also wish that, although some adoptees may have not forgiven or accepted that they are adopted, not all adoptees feel that way. Assuming that I am angry or hurt because my mom did in fact leave me anonymously outside on a step close to the orphanage to be found, tells me that she felt she couldn’t provide for me the way a mother would want to care for her child. I not only have empathy for her, but I hurt for her that she had to make, what was probably the most difficult decision of her life. She probably had hopes that in leaving me, I would be adopted to parents who could care for me. I have a son and I couldn’t fathom how hard it had to have been for her to carry me for 9 months and then say goodbye, knowing she would never see me grow up. She kept me for three weeks, which the orphanage approximated my age was when they found me, so that makes it even that much more believable that she wanted to keep me, but for whatever reason, still had to say goodbye.

Another question that has somewhat bothered me, more so when I was younger, is, “What are you?”. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question as a child and adult, I would have been able pay for a few trips back to Korea by now. I realize that it was asked with no intention of making me feel like I was different and that people are curious, but sometimes it’s just something that really does make me feel like I stand out. Growing up I was constantly reminded of how I looked different; the shape of my eyes, my hair color, how short I was, I was never “like the other kids.” I have grown to not only accept, but love what makes me different. Although, because I know what it’s like to be “different,” I also am very conscientious of not making assumptions about others based off of their race and I am aware of how I ask questions, should I be curious.

What’s one Korean dish everyone should try?

Because I grew up with very little exposure to the Korean culture and haven’t had a lot of opportunities to eat Korean food, I don’t have a favorite Korean dish. I’ve eaten Kimchi and like it. Realizing I don’t know a lot about Korean food, I’ve tried to make it a point to start going to Korean restaurants. I’ve liked most of the side dishes they served me at a Korean BBQ restaurant in Troy, MI, with the exception of a couple. I’ve learned that they eat a lot of beef and pork, which I typically don’t eat a lot of, but I liked the bulgogi and enjoyed the beef brisket. Hopefully, as I continue to go and explore more of the Korean foods, I will find some favorites.

January 11, 2018, Tara and her son J and I were able to grab some Korean BBQ!

Before I photographed Tara we probably spent a couple hours going back and forth sharing each other's adoptee stories and having many "Oh my gosh, me too!" moments. I want to take time to meet other Korean adoptees and share our experiences with each other and the world. There's not alot of stories being told about adoptees and what their thought process is. If you know of anyone who would love to meet up, please send them my way! More to come soon!

D Business Magazine Feature: 30 In Their Thirties

Recently, my team and I had the opportunity to photograph for Detroit based D Business Magazine to photograph their feature 30 In Their Thirties. We had two days at Dayspace Studio in Royal Oak, MI to photograph 30 individuals and 6 group shot.  

The challenge was having each group come in to get a variety of black and white headshots photographed followed by a group shot while making sure their portraits didn't look stiff or too posed. My team had to work quickly to set up lighitng and to make sure we stayed on schedule and respected the honorees time.  Each group was in and out in less than an hour and here were the results.

Big thank you to the following...

• Austin and Nichole at DBusiness for trusting me and my team to execute the photoshoot and for the amazing the layout design.
• Daniel Ribar and Mike Oden for assisting with the lighting setups and moving quickly
• Michael Moran for set designing our photobooth between your busy production schedule
• Micaela Ruiz for retouching! 
• Alan Davidson at Dayspace Studio for providing the rental space and Profoto lighting equipment
• All of our 30's honorees for making this a fun photoshoot!
• The Art Institute of Novi's Photography Program for stopping by and getting a behind the scenes look at an editorial feature photoshoot.